An Autopsy of a Failed Relationship
By Bethel Bumanglag
When I started having feelings for you, I immediately asked God whether you are the one or you’re a lesson. I guess I finally got the answer.
It’s almost a year now since we stopped talking. When I decided to “end” thingsI put quotations mark around the word end because I think it’s foolish to say it straight up because I know that technically, we never really started. I was the impatient one. I was so used to taking charge of everything that I forgot to let you be a man.
- I had my idealizations and expectations
- I have my own ideas and expectations of what they guy I would marry should look like. I have this list that I have kept in my head. I know some of the characteristics in my list are not actually in you, but I try to insist that you do so that I could comfort myself that I have indeed invested on the right person. What selfishness. I was so full of myself that I wanted our relationship to look perfect as if there is such a thing.
- I was not willing to see my sin and I wasn’t ready to deal with it
- I am a proud person. I guess you know that already. Most of the time, when you would call me out, I would make a case for myself and point the finger back to you. What a selfish human being I was. I was not ready to deal with my sin, precisely because I was still enjoying it and look where it got me. I even dragged you with me.
- I did not let you lead
- We started as friends and then we became co-workers. I was always the one in charge of things and so I think I never really got over that, and I think you didn’t either. You didn’t know how to handle me so you often retract because I was too strong. I’m sorry because I thought I didn’t have any issues on submission, listening, and receiving criticism. But I know that now. I always want to be in control. I controlled what I want you to say to me, when I wanted you to say it to me, and how you were gonna say it. I was the control freak I never wanna be with. I was very manipulative and I did not give you room to exercise your God-given ability to lead.
- I idolized you
- I looked to you to make me happy. I know now that that is foolish because only God could do that for me. Whenever you did some crappy thing, I immediately judged you, not out love, but out of concern that you will not be able to fulfill my needs. I thought I was past the phase of being in a relationship and seeking my own happiness in it. I thought I was done with being the person who was always getting. On the contrary, I thought I was the one who was always giving. But that wasn’t always the case. I know that you gave too.
- I knew this to be true because when we didn’t work out, I actually became really bitter towards the Lord. I thought you were the one that I charged God to be holding back something good from me.
So as I wait upon God’s Best, these are the things I would do so that I will not repeat the same mistakes I committed.
- I will wait for someone who loves the Lord, period.
- This is my list. I know that if he loves the Lord, he will not continue on sinning and will pursue holiness, and honestly, that’s all I need. I know that if you love God, you will seek His will and you will lead me well. I know that if you love the Lord, you will love me too. I will trust the Lord that He knows what I need more than I know. In that way, I will not put unnecessary pressure on you and you don’t have to perform, but you will be free to be yourself around me.
- I will seek regular mentoring, discipleship, and peer counseling
- I know that I am not that mature yet and that I will never stop sinning until I actually die. But there are still a lot of sin issues in my life that would not be too attractive. I have prayed that God will make my conscious be more sensitive to the rebuke of the Holy Spirit and that I will be more open to constructive criticisms. I will make myself vulnerable to others wherein they would easily be able to see my sin and call me to repentance. Pray for me as well, that I would always be quick to repent.
- I will practice submission to authority
- My mom once told me that sometimes, even when she knows she’s right but my dad keep on insisting on his ways, she will let him crash and burn. Not so that she could say “I told you so,” but so that she would exercise godly submission and that my dad will learn to be wiser next time. Inspite of that, her respect for my dad should never rely on his ability to lead well. She is to always respect him and to call him out whenever it is needed. I know I still have a problem of standing down when it doesn’t go my way or it isn’t done my way. But I pray that I will allow God to work that out in me.
- I will continue to seek God and allow Him to fulfill me
- Honestly, I need more knowledge on what it’s like to be married. I know I would not know everything by the time I am to get married. But I would continue to seek the Bible for answers and guidance so that I could actually be less of a burden to you and more of a helpmeet. I know that from time to time we would inconvenience each other because of our shortcomings. But hey, sin is an inconvenience so we should always be patient with each other. I wanna learn to be patient with myself so that I could be patient with you too. I look forward to reading the Bible with you and praying for you, but just so that it would not be a new thing for me, I would continue to exercise these disciplines.
I think what I am saying is that I understand now what happened. I praise God for letting me see my sin and giving me the grace to ask for forgiveness. He redirected me to the cross and He allowed me to swim in the vast ocean of His grace.
I now know that I got my closure, God’s definition of closure: Me recognizing my sin and repenting from it.